Doing it Wrong with Clip Art

Here are the highlights from the Republican candidates’ debate Wednesday night. I love that it’s 1985 all over again because acne was a super cute look on me:

Now that you’re caught up on the issues (“Taxes! Reagan! Reagan tax cuts! Reagan!”), let’s settle into some smooth tribal beats while the good folks at Kahn & Associates (I love how that video starts out with the guy acting all, “Oh, hi! I didn’t see you there.”) tell us about the Fair Debt Collection Practices Act:

I’ll just share my favorite parts of the video, and then you should share your favorite parts of the video, and if our favorite parts match, then I think you’re my Mystery Date! (I sure hope you’re not a Nerdy Dud!)

:18 — I need to know more about that guy and his Old Timey phone. He’s SO ANGRY. He represents all the abusive debt collectors that the world needs to be aware of. I’d also like to point out his cowslick.

:21 — And then what? Who’s that lady? The video wants to tell a story about a mad guy and the lady he’s calling. The point is so finely honed, so meticulously crafted while not being at all superfluous with words and stuff. Like when Hemingway wrote that “For sale: baby shoes. Never worn” short story and we were all amazed. (Yes, you were.)

:30 — Special guest appearance by Rob Reiner. Remember when he was skinny? That was around the time Reagan was being brilliant! (Call back to the opening paragraph! This writing thing’s a CINCH!)

:33 — What time is it? It’s Bankruptcy o’clock!

:43 — That guy loves the Oscars SO MUCH that he is hugging the red carpet.

:51 — I…’m not sure what those guys are all about. I think they’re part of the team that’s supposed to provide protection and remedies for debtors. OR, they’re going to swoop in on some unfortunate woman in a Dress Barn and make fun of her for what she’s wearing before giving her a spirited makeover and a flattering cut that doesn’t rely so much on bangs but is more about attitude. (Also, Angie Harmon looks SO UPSET in that photo. Maybe that lady from the :21 mark called her after she got off the phone with the Mad Guy and Angie’s in her “I’m-’bout-to-clear-some-negative-AIR” stance. Oh, and also also: is anyone watching “Rizzoli and Isles”? I made it through six episodes before I gave up and just added the entire run of Angie Dickinson as “Police Woman” to my Netflix queue.)

1:05 — This is clearly an out-of-context still from the Blair Mansion Dinner Theater production of the Michael Crichton classic Disclosure where Demi Moore set feminism back 100 years by trying to have her way with Michael Douglas while she was his boss. (Do you think Demi Moore passed on the initial casting call for “Rizzoli and Isles” because she thought it was a chain of restaurants and she’s still smarting about how Bruce Willis sunk all that cash into Planet Hollywood and who eats there anymore?) (And don’t send me emails about how great their sliders are because (a) the word “sliders” is gross and (b) see (a).)

1:19 — I kind of feel like this whole video has been leading up to this image. It could be two people yelling expletives at each other. It could be a lady about to chomp on that dude’s finger. Or — and this is what I think is really happening: Karoake duet of “Total Eclipse of the Heart” and that guy’s finger is a microphone because it’s in the future.

1:39 — In the spirit of that image, I’m going to share shameful secrets about each member of the insideARM team:

Michael Klozotsky: Has a deep aversion to Loretta Lynn.

Stephanie Eidelman: Would have a PhD in “Brady Bunch” if that were a thing that existed.

Patrick Lunsford: Doesn’t exist.

Naveen Hariprasad: Writes novels under the pen-name George R.R. Martin.

Jeff Hearn: Has a shrine to former Entertainment Tonight co-host Mary Hart and a blood vendetta against John Tesh.

Tim Hawk: Co-wrote the short-lived Shirley MacLaine television series “Shirley’s World,” often referred to by Ms. MacLaine as the “lowest point in my career.”

Jenn Minges: Will only enter a room walking backwards to discourage ghosts.

The FDCPA is not a Doing it Wrong matter. At its best, the statute offers guidelines that protect not just the consumer, but collection agencies as well. I don’t want anyone leaving this post (all two of you who read it) thinking, “Mike Bevel thinks the FDCPA is a bad idea.” (Could it use some work? Yes. The thing hasn’t been substantively updated in 30-odd years.) What I found amusing in this video was the variety of clip art used to illustrate the point.

So, you can leave here thinking, “Mike Bevel hates corporate clip art.” That would be a true statement.